Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Brandon Marshall Catches 4 TDs in Game That Doesn't Matter

So, yea, that happened.

While I admittedly didn't watch much of the game at all, I turned it on after my post-Heat nap to find Marshall totally fuckin' BALLIN' out there.  True, there's more defense being played at a Banyan Elementary recess football game but it still feels sorta nice to have a Dolphins player do some pretty badass shit, including the HOLY FUCK catch pictured above.  Pretty badass when a dude has 6 catches and 4 of those are for touchdowns (along with 176 receiving yards, to boot).  As Arrrrrmando stated (and I gotta admit that his blog articles have been a bit more sufferable lately and HOLY SHIT I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST TYPED THAT OUT), it shows that Marshall can be an elite player when paired with comparable talent.  Put him with a puppet or a robot or any other object that lacks a semblance of a soul and you get an irrate, disgruntled, annoyed child (note: he'd probably become this anyway over time with anyone) that suddenly can't get open despite his obvious physical gifts.  Shit, he was killin' it with Jay Cutler and Cutler's the biggest Mr. Wompy Sadface maybe ever!

As Marshall said:

"It says a lot when you're playing with these type of quarterbacks.  They just put it in the right place and I just made the play. Hats off to those guys throwing me the ball."

Matt Moore Puppet Dejected Falling Puppetmaster Strings In The Corner of The Room Sad Face Pinocchio!!!!

Point is:  stop dickin' around and get a REAL fuckin' QB.  Draft one every goddamn year until you hit on another one.  Even the stupid Patriots drafted Mallett and they have one of the best QBs ever as their starter - as epically douchey as he is and all. 

Anyways, congrats to Brandon Marshall on a truly BEASTLY performance.  Oh, and please stop being so deliberate in your answers!!!  Wish I had a nickle for every 'you know what' he uttered.  Goytrain!

Weekender: New Coordinators

The Dolphins have a pair of brand new coordinators, with former Packers and Texas A&M coach Mike Sherman as the new offensive coordinator and fomer Bengals DB coach Kevin Coyle the new defensive coordinator.

And while a lot of you might be excited about this news, I'll save my excitement for SI swimsuit model Izabel Gaulart and her wonderful, wondeful tight little ass.

Sure, these guys might be the key to our team's future playoff success.

But, look at her ass. Look at it, dammit!

I'd eat an endless buffet serving of chu-maki without utensils off of that thing for fucksake.

So, yea, new coordinators and shit. 

Have a great weekend, nation!

Mike Sherman? Yea, ok, I guess

It's looking like former Green Bay Packers coach and Texas A & M coach Mike Sherman might very well be the next offensive coordinator for the Miami Dolphins.

Sherman was at one point the front runner for the Tampa Bay Bucs head coaching gig, but that looks like it ain't happening. He's interviewed with the Dolphins and is reportedly in town at this very moment.

Sherman coached the Packers from 2000-2005 and is long-time friends with Joe Philbin (Philbin was on his staff in Green Bay). 

This, of course, means no more Brian Daboll in Miami. It also most likely means the Fins will be running a west coast offense, which is weird but different.

If that's the case, it looks more and more like we're all gonna have to put our faith in Matt Flynn next year.

It will also start to get everyone's crotch hot and wet for Sherman's Texas A & M QB Ryan Tannehill.

Because FUCK YEA second-round quarterbacks who did awesome at the Senior Bowl!! Right, you guys?

Dolphins To Pursue The Other Manning, According to Reports That Will Make Everyone Unreasonably Optimistic

Well, this is something.

According to PFT (via Barry Jackson), if Peyton Manning becomes available this offseason, the Dolphins will go strong to the hoop to get him.

Supposedly, Goose Neck is Plan A for the Dolphins, which also apparently includes going after Matt Flynn, or possibly trading up to nab Robert Griffin Number Three or even Andrew Luck.

I'm calling bullshit on all of this. Mainly because the Honey Badger GM doesn't have the balls to move up the draft to get one of those guys because we need those precious draft picks that it would cost us so we can draft moar Jared Odricks and Koa Misis. 

I'd venture to say these sources are made up, or are just two dudes trying to light a fire under everyone's asses in the front office. In which case I'd say well played, good sirs.

However, the thought of Goose Neck in a Dolphins uniform is certainly intriguing in a THAT GUY WOULD BE FUCKING AWESOME IF ONLY HIS NECK VERTEBRAE WEREN'T SUDDENLY MADE OF PEANUT BRITTLE sort of way.

But I will say that Manning as a Dolphin would be the tits. Sure he might be one vicious hit away from being Stephen Hawking, but fuck it... why the shit not? If he can play, and if he comes here, holy shitcocks that would be pretty fantastic.

And just the mere fact that there are reports that the Fins will be aggressive in getting a francise QB is enough to make us want to fly a banner that reads ALL IS FORGIVEN, YOU GINGER SHIT! over Sun Life stadium.

Until then, however, he can fuck himself with a hammer. 

Joe Philbin Will Coach The Miami Dolphins

ESPN's Adam Schefter tweeted it out. Former Green Bay Packers OC Joe Philbin is the new head coach of your Miami Dolphins.

So, we went from giving HEFFF! helicopter rides, to everyone saying they'd be shocked if we didn't hire The Turtle Coach, to naming Lurch up there the new head honcho.

Our immediate reaction: *queef*

Our next reaction: Feels kinda Cam Camerony.

This most likely means we're going after Matt Flynn and will very much be taking an offensive tackle with our first draft pick.

Cocksocks? Oh yes. Cocksocks.

Your thoughts in the comments. 

Weekender: Butt Party

Ah, Francesca Frigo...you know exactly how to make a guy smile after a tough day, don't you?  You're one of a kind.  Little-known-fact:  Balconies were originally conceived SOLELY for the purpose of bending hot women over while you absolutely drilled them from behind.  See, the original designers figured it would be quite the PARTAY to have multiple women howling away over pools, empty parking lots, assorted scenic landscapes that go on infinitely...but goddammit we dropped the ball and completely half-ASSED the original intent.  Francesca here knows exactly what the balconey was conceived for.  Look at her calling to you like a siren...

Will we have a coach today?  Maybe.  Will I care until roughly April or so?  PROBABLY NOT!

Have a great weekend, Nation.

Mike McCoy Might Be Our Next Coach, Looks Like A Cartoon Turtle

With the shitheads who run our team narrowing things down to three of the most mundane and insipid coaching candidates to ever be assembled by a professional sports franchise, at least one of them is feeling preeeaatttaaaayyy cocky about his chances at being named the next head coach of the Miami Dolphins.

According to sources, Denver Broncos offensive coordinator Mike McCoy is feeling so good about his interview with the the Dolphins that he's asked the Raiders to take him out of the running for their coaching vacancy:

It is unclear if McCoy was led to believe he is the front-runner by the Dolphins. The Dolphins are not commenting to the extent they declined to even confirm which candidates are being interviewed in the second round. The club did confirm completed interviews during the first-round of interviews. 

McCoy is scheduled to have a second interview with the Fins today.

As for FN, we endorse Mike McCoy with a hardy meh and a jubilant wet fart.

Out of the three guys these geniuses could narrow shit down to, DRK and I agree that McCoy seems the least shittiest. Bowles looks like a nice guy, but is obviously not the one. And Philbin scares us because he didn't even have full play-calling duties at Green Bay. What the shit is that?

So McCoy is our guy by default. He's young, did a decent job making Tebow look like an actual fucking quarterback sometimes, and has even worked with The Puppet when the two were in Carolina. Also, he looks like a cartoon turtle, which would give a whole new meaning to the stupid "shit on a turtle" running gag we have here. It's all very meta.

Meanwhile, there's this:

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has hinted that G.M. Jeff Ireland and advisor Carl Peterson have had different ideas about what the team should be looking for.

Our team has morphed into one giant box of broken dicks. 

                                                                       Uh... hello.

And the f**kery continues into phase 2....

So now that Jeff Fisher has come out and said that the Rams' quarterback situation and leadership helped him to choose them over the Dolphins, and Jim Caldwell has been fired by the Colts, making Indianapolis pretty much the most attractive place to coach because of Andrew Luck, the Dolphins have narrowed down their choices to three.

There's interim coach Todd Bowles, who has zero chance of getting the job because if they really wanted him, they'd have offered him the job already. If they do offer Bowles the job after going through Fisher and a handful of other candidates, he should totally smack Stephen Ross in his craggily dick with a sock filled with nickels while yelling, "RESIPROCITY MOTHAFUCKA!!" over and over and then stare at a crumpled and scared Jeff Ireland for a full two minutes before grabbing a stapler off the desk and then calmly walking out.

Then there's Joe Philbin of the Packers of Green Bay. At first glance, this would seem the no-brainer because it's the fucking Packers of Green Bay. But then you find out that Mike McCarthy called most of the plays in Green Bay, and Philbin was more of a fill-the-gaps kind of guy and, well, cockmugs.

Finally, there's Denver OC Mike McCoy, who is young. And that's it. Sure, he helped adapt his offense to make Tim Tebow look like Joe Montana, but if you're going to use that as a factor, why not look into Carmichael Jr. or CHUD?

Why? Because we have fucking mongoloids running our goddamn team. That's why.

Some reports are saying the decision could come as soon as today. And to that I say big giant queef noise.

So for now we continue to sit and wait.

And while we wait, go watch this. We're not into getting political around here. But if that SOPA shit goes down, you could be looking at the most boring dick joke blog ever when you visit us here at FN. Weekender? Gone. Funny pictures of Jeff Ireland fucking a mutant dolphin lady? Kaput. So get educated and support the protest. VIVA LA DICKJOKE!

'EEEWWWW...WHO'S TO SAY I CAN'T BE YOUR NEXT HEAD COACH?!?!'

It's not like I'm some troglodytic newb...I'VE GOT OVER 5,300 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE!

Just keep your hands off my trusty flint knife and be careful with any archers in the stands during away games.  Not sure I can handle another blindside attack.  I'm extremely fragile these days.  JUST LOOK AT ME!

Your Jeff Fisher Friday Edition Update News Update (UPDATE!)

Nothing.

As you were....

Update: Peter King is reporting that Fisher has decided to go to the Rams.

But all the waiting was so totally worth it, you guys.