Fins Nation: A Miami Dolphins Blog With Dick Jokes

Our Favorite Tweets From Yesterday's Dolphins Hard Knocks Episode Palooza Party on Twitter

Yesterday we got the announcement that the Miami Dolphins will be featured in this coming season of Hard Knocks on HBO.

So, naturally, we took to the twitter machine and asked you to come up with what some episodes might feature and asked to hashtag your entires with #DolphinsHardKnocksEpisode, mainly because we're lazy assholes and there's nothing better than having you guys do our jobs for us.

And holy canary tits did you guys bring it! For a while there, we were trending on twitter (see above), and it was gloriously amazeballs.

There was such an overwhelming response, it was tough to even read them all. You can see all of the entries here. It's funny shit.

We posted our favorites after the jump so you can show your mom that you're famous now and that all that time spent on the internet is finally paying off!

Well done, Nation. We'll do more of this kind of shit in the future, so if you don't see yours here today, work on your dickjokey and strive for the top, Timmy!!

Your Miami Dolphins are doing HBO's 'Hard Knocks'

Well, well, welll...seems your Miami Dolphins will be doing this year's Hard Knocks on HBO!!!  Coach Philbin announced it during his post-OTA presser today, saying 'we thought it was in the best interest of the organization to do it at this time'.  Wowzers. 

What an about-face from the frustratingly stupid Project Blue Book days of the Parcells era. 

NOW WE'RE AN OPEN BOOK, EVERYONE!  FEEL FREE TO COME INSIDE OUR HOMES AND PUT YOUR FEET UP ON THE TABLE! 

I'm all in favor of transparency given how being secretive dickfaces about damn near everything hasn't exactly paid dividends but I honestly never expected to see our Fins be part of something like Hard Knocks. 

Gut feeling:  Obviously anything Dolphins-related is going to be must-see-TV for all of us so I'm happy to get to watch the process.  It'll be exciting to see how Tannehill develops from Day One, observe how the coaching staff interacts and evaluates talent and watch as LaMontell Pussyhammer strolls in to practice at about 2:30pm afternoon wearing only a feather boa from some Bongo's dancer he hooked up with the previous night. 

On the other hand, we'll also be privy to a forced 'QB competition' as well as bare witness to HBO utilizing every editing trick in the book (cue the slow-mo) to somehow make Brian Fucking Hartline look like a capable receiver.  That's going to be more gory than a compilation of Game of Thrones kill scenes. 

Last but not least we'll be checkin' out how our old buddy Jeffy Ireland handles the pressure of the cameras and to what extent he'll be 'performing' for them in an effort to showcase that 'No sir.  I am not a completely incompetent moron as you can see by my authoritative yet monotone voice that would bore a carnivorous lunatic high to the teeth on bath salts, LSD and cocaine psychosis as I dispense knowledge and VERY GOOD EVALUATIONS from behind my very big desk here in Davie, you see'.

That part ain't gonna be so fun.

But, hey, Dolphins players running and throwing and catching stuff and hitting each other and sweating profusely and getting their dreams dashed by The Turk (Ray Feinga??) and cool voiceovers talking about our favorite team HURRAY!!!

Weekender: Oh, Izabel

Not much has been going on with the Dolphins lately other than the team signing rookie receiver BJ Cunningham. 

As you might know, Cunningham played for Michigan State where he caught 218 passes for 3,086 yards and oh whaetverthefuckwhogivesashit look at Izabel Goulart's ass!!!

So prestine.

So sublime.

Michelangelo himself could not have sculpted a better ass. I know this because if he had, I'd be at whatever museum they had it in over at the Vatican, getting arrested for dry humping the art. 

You can see more Izabel here.

Have a great weekend, Nation!

An Example You Should All Follow

This is what it's all about, kids.  Do you see what friend/legacy FN commenter/5-star general badass/wiine connoisseur/lover of 'pizza'/modern-day F. Scott Fitzgerald, Brandon, did while he was in Miami for a few days?  WHY CAN'T YOU ALL BE MORE LIKE HIM???  Getting a signed photo addressed to The Dude and I by, not one but, TWO friggin' Miami Dolphins cheerleaders???

You should be ASHAMED of yourself.  Sitting there completely bereft of jizz in your body already this morning because you jerked yourself silly before noon.  I...I...can't even look at you right now.

Disgusting.

Days of Wine and Roses

In the past week both Armando and Omar have put out articles saying that everything is fine and we can all relax because the Dolphins had a super terrific draft class.

Armando's piece is pretty good (I know!). Omar's piece is filled with the usual condesending bullshit. I mean, for shitsake look at the headlines for each. And Armando is the rational non-dickish one! I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.

Armando points out that Joe Philbin's arrival and Stephen Ross' decision to stop treating our football team like they're fighting al-Qaeda and therefore NO INTERVIEWS EVER!! are solid reasons for the mood being better around Dolphins Nation. He also points out the obvious reason for everyone being roses and sunshine lately. Ryan Tannehill, Badassmotherfuck MD:

Think about it: If Tannehill is what Ireland believes he’ll be, which is a quarterback who will “have an impact on this football team, help us win football games and championships,” the general manager will go from goat to hero.

We mostly liked Ireland's draft this year (aside from him spending a second rounder on an offensive lineman). We love the Lamar Miller pick. And we're hopeful Tannehill is going to be the Man, like everyone else.

And hope is good. But let's everybody calm our shit just a little. 

Everything looks dandy on paper. And we really won't know what this class is all about until probably 2013. But we haven't forgotten that Ireland is an asshole honey badger GM. And we haven't forgotten how he's dicked this team since he's been on the job. But if Tannehill turns out to be the Guy and this team finally gets competetive again and stops finishing 7-9 every goddamn season, then we'll absolutely change our tune on Ireland. We don't hate for the sake of hate. We're tough but fair in our dickjokery.

Here's to seriously hoping Ireland sticks it to us and proves us wrong. 

Until then however, we wait. And be cautious with our hope. That's all we can do. 

NOW LET'S ALL WATCH THE SHIT OUT OF THIS VIDEO BELOW AND GET FUCKING PUMPED FUCK YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Weekender: Outtakes Edition

Well, Adam Yauch aka MCA died today at 47.  That's a total fucking bummer.  My very first concert experience was Beastie Boys/Run DMC at the old Bobby Maduro stadium in 1987.  I was about 9 and my sister was about 14.  My parents were FREAKED THE FUCK OUT to say the least.  Never even got to see Run DMC because my parents were deathly afraid we would be all massacred by black people!!!

Ah, inexplicable Cuban racism towards another minority....

ANYWAY!  Here's a photo outtake from some shoot where Kate Upton nearly showed her beautiful, angelic breasts!!!

Have a great weekend, Nation!

Dolphins Draft Rundown, part 2

The NFL Draft was a week ago today. So we figured it was about time to stop comiendo mierda and break shit down and see just how we did. We asked star commenter/draft expert/beer holster owning/gentleman of leisure Chris Kouffman (ckparrot) to break down each prospect from this year's class and give us either a thumbs up or down on each of them. CK knows his shit. He's been featured on Dave Hyde's column in the Sun-Sentinel and you can get more of his draft expertise over at Bleacher Report as well as his NFL Draft site Universal Draft. But this 2012 Dolphins Draft breakdown is exclusive to FN so all other Dolphins blogs can eat a penis sandwich. It's long reading, but good reading. COMPREHENSIVE! This is part two of two. You can read part one here. Follow CK on twitter. Enjoy. Tits.

--The Dude

#097. RB Lamar Miller, Miami (FL) – Thumbs Up

If I was already sounding like a zombie fan, now I am going to start sounding like a straight up fanboy. I loved this pick by Jeff Ireland. I do not know if I would have had the vision to move up for Miller as he did, but he did and I applaud him for it. It would have been a tough decision because I adore wide receiver Devon Wylie of Fresno State, and the #103 overall pick is where I had been slating the Dolphins to pick him up in the my own fantasy world.

Dolphins Draft Rundown, part 1

The NFL Draft was a week ago today. So we figured it was about time to stop comiendo mierda and break shit down and see just how we did. We asked star commenter/draft expert/beer holster owning/gentleman of leisure Chris Kouffman (ckparrot) to break down each prospect from this year's class and give us either a thumbs up or down on each of them. CK knows his shit. He's been featured on Dave Hyde's column in the Sun-Sentinel and you can get more of his draft expertise over at Bleacher Report as well as his NFL Draft site Universal Draft. But this 2012 Dolphins Draft breakdown is exclusive to FN so all other Dolphins blogs can eat a penis sandwich. It's long reading, but good reading. COMPREHENSIVE! This is part one of two. Part two comes later today. Follow CK on twitter. Enjoy. Tits.

--The Dude

 

#008. QB Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M – Thumbs Up

My quarterback of choice was Brandon Weeden and I made no secret of that. I had a pretty clear vision for what both Andrew Luck and Weeden do really well that could make them elite starters at the next level along the lines of Brady, Manning, Brees, Rodgers and Roethlisberger. Not saying that’s a sure thing, it’s never a sure thing to predict a guy will play Hall of Fame caliber football, but my feeling is both guys will produce at points in their career like that caliber player.

RIP Junior Seau

Well this certainly is rather shitty news.

Former Miami Dolphins (and San Diego Chargers and New England Patriots) 12-time Pro Bowl linebacker Junior Seau is dead.

Early reports are he commited suicide.

Seau played for the Dolphins from 2003-2005 where he recorded 201 tackles and a sack.

Holy Shit We Drafted A Quarterback

After all the speculation, guessing, mock drafting and wondering how badly the dipshits in the front office were going to royally fuck up the draft, we finally drafted ourselves a quarterback in the first round. And he's a pre-med student! Woo-hoo book learnin'!

To no one's shock, the Dolphins took Ryan Tannehill with the 8th pick.

Some are already shitting on the pick. While others call it Hope, albeit with a grain of snark.

I know a lot of you are not happy about the pick. At least one of you seriously suggested we draft Fletcher Cox (I love you, but SHUT UP, ASSHOLE), and others simply don't know what to do with this pick.

I like it. I'm not going to bore you with scouting nonsense. Look at the youtubes. The guy can play. Can he play with the big boys? No one knows that. Just like no one knew if Tom Brady could, or if Aaron Rodgers could, and so on.

The bottom line here is that the Dolphins for once showed the balls to say fuck it and went after the guy they thought could be the guy. If he busts out, then at least Jeff Ireland will be going out in a blaze of honey badger glory. *FLAME ON! NYAAA!*

And if this dude turns out to be the best thing since The Right Arm of God, then well fuck and yes and let's everybody get laid!

No grumpypants today, Nation. We have something that we didn't have 24 hours ago.

Hope.

Motherfucking, dicksucking, bigtitty HOPE.

Is hope tangible? No. But for Christ, it's all we got.